Tuesday 25 February 2014

Pile of painter puns...

In Augustus of last year,an art thief called Pablo D'Ablo broke into the Loover Museum in order to half - inch Leonardo's most famous painting Moaner Lisa,which he hoped would sell for loads  of lovely Monet...However,the Whistler was blown with the result that,several hours later  the said tea leaf was promptly arrested by a burly Constable,who banged poor Pablo up in a police cell....Following the trial,the Judge, J.M.W Gurner asked the luckless thief if there was anything he would like to say prior to sentencing....Pablo said...Yes,Mallordy...After wetting himself with mirth,Gurner, not noted for his sense of humor,remarked to Mister D'Ablo....What a Turner - up for the book!!

Friday 21 February 2014

a few facts...

I am going to state some ABSOLUTE FACTS with regard to true originality...and I Challenge Anyone to Disprove what I Know to be True.....

Unless an Artwork, long Poem or something like a Comedy Script has been deliberately copied - and it would take a very skilled artist to produce an almost carbon -copy of an extremely fine painting,even,say,a painting by one of the Old Masters, it would be absolutely impossible for there to be anything like it anywhere in the world - regardless of the size of the population which,currently,is approximately Seven Billion and counting....

Some Artworks are so large and complex,that there will likely not be anything absolutely identical anywhere in the Universe,let alone the World!!!I challenge anyone to prove me wrong!

Put another way.....There is far more chance of the Complete Works Of Shakespeare resulting from An Explosion In A Print Shop !!!!!!
 


Tuesday 18 February 2014

flatpack limerick...

There once was a chippie called Jack,
Who purchased a wardrobe flatpack,
After one of his binges,
Doors hung off their hinges,
A well -pissed  Jack blew his stack.






Leo's Ark.....

Leo''s Ark,which has been many months in the making,and is currently sitting in the back yard,is very close to completion...I am currently awaiting delivery of a couple of hundred planks of seasoned  gopher wood to complete the top deck...Problem is that, until the advent of the Great Flood where Clacton - On -Sea goes under the sea,the said Ark,the timbers of which have yet to be tarred,will forever remain as a gigantic blot on the local landscape,for it cannot of course embark on its maiden voyage until the massive inundation begins...

A couple of days ago,one of our neighbors complained that my Ark was blocking out the sunlight,and would I care to relocate it...I told him to eff off and that I hoped that he would not drown in the coming Great Flood,which my Oracle has predicted will happen in the near future...I commented to the said neighbor that to ig- Noah the signs was pure folly,and that he would be welcome aboard Leo'sArk,which will eventually come to rest who knows where...

It is now,once again,pissing down,in fact,the flood waters are rising as I type,so hopefully,it won't be too long before Leo's Ark leaves the shipyard bound for the pinnacle of a certain Turkish Mountain,which will be an absolute delight... Mount Marrowfat??I just hope the damn thing doesn't spring a leak -you know what flat- packs are like...If it does,I'll complain to God,who commanded me to build the damn thing...One final word...I have not bothered to equip my Ark with lifeboats or life -jackets,as it is constructed on such a titanic scale that it cannot possibly capsize....Full steam ahead,Cap'ain Leo... and be alert for any icebergs...







Tuesday 11 February 2014

Maz and Del- last-ever version.

Maz once had a mean 'n' mingy man,
To whom money was a god,
Worshipped he his wallet,
Where he kept a weighty wad,
So very tight was Derek,
That nearly every night,
Stripped off he by street lamp,
To save a tad on light.
All went well with Maz and Del,
Til in a fit of folly,
Sought she to make him part,
With lots of his lovely lolly,
"My dear Del",fawned she,
"We could have so much fun,
If to Jamaica flew we,
Where there's lots of sun,
I'll not take no for an answer,
We'll soon be beside the sea,
You in your baggy bermudas,
Me in my teeny bikini,
Like a milk bottle you look like,
In a word,white,
Several days in the searng sun,
Shall surely put that right,
To a casino we will go,
Where we'll play the wheel,
All at your expense, of course,
How does that make you feel?
Come on Del,hang the expense,
For once please be drastic,
You always go wan and white,
When I want to spend your plastic".
Derek hated nothing more,
Than spending loads of money,
Mazza had to go,and quick,
Her dumping would not be funny,
At one Sunday teatime,
The bombshell Del did drop,
"My dearest,you are dumped,
Please do not blow your top."
Like a roaring,raging bull,
All Maz saw was red,
"You useless waste of space,
You're as good as dead!"
Rose he from the table,
And, with great alarm,
Sought he to escape,
Grievous bodily harm.
Between him and safety,
Was she who must be obeyed,
The painful price for spurning,
Would not be long delayed,
Stuffed she into her handbag,
Several horseshoes very mucky,
For Derek they'd be less than lucky.
He never saw it coming,
Maz would not be mocked,
A mighty swipe later,
And Del's bonce was soundly socked.
Eyes as glazed as windows,
Staggered he slowly along the floor,
A big boot to the butt,
Sent Del Boy flying thro' the door.

































Friday 7 February 2014

Somewhere over........

If I look very long and hard,
I can see in God's calling card,
An extra two color strands,
Making in all nine arching bands,
Orange,gold and yellow,too,
Turquoise,indigo and blue,
Seamlessly the bands do blend,
The colors never really end.
The lovely,lovely rainbow light,
Bands of radiant colors bright.

















Solar Solitaire II

All is deathly still and hush,
No song comes from lark or thrush,
Moon crawls across the face so bright,
Heavens turn from day to night,
I now behold a sight so rare,
The solar diamond solitaire,
Bailey's beads can now be seen,
In the velvet vault serene,  
The silvern disk moves away,
Sky quickly turns from night to day,
Birds once more resume their song,
Oblivious of the sight now gone.