Sunday 8 June 2014

KITCHEN THAT TIME FORGOT

MY KITCHEN is not the most modern in the world,indeed,it is positively ancient,Jurassic,in fact.

TAKE the fabulous fitted furniture,for example.The quality,tasteful table is coated with a nice printed - on veneer,not your cheap,solid Oak or Mahogany.No,Siree.The very attractive fitted wall cupboards are something else again,really gorgeous,fake wood grain,coated with a heavy-duty poxy,sorry,epoxy resin to protect from woodworm,not that any self-respecting woodworm would go near it.

THE COOKER,which is fueled by genuine North Sea Gas,is a very interesting oddity indeed.What I love about it is the fascinating,heat-hardened,baked-on gravy stains reminiscent of a Picasso  abstract painting.But there's more.The fridge,which is powered by fresh air,works wonderfully well in the very cold months of the year,but is totally useless during a sweltering hot summer,when the quality meat pies go completely putrid,and the veg manky.Surprisingly,the ice-cubes melt also.Still,only another 6 months to Christmas when,once again the entire contents of the fridge will be nice and fresh.

THE best thing about the state -of-the-fart kitchen is the lovely brown Axminster carpet,which was brand -new in 1975,or thereabouts.I particularly like the interesting and artistic designer rips and tears,which give the impression that the brown eyesore has been trampled on by a million hobnail boots. The carpet underlay is composed of crumbling concrete,which shouldn't cost much more than a couple of thousand quid to make good.

SEVERAL weeks ago,an Estate Agent asked if the kitchen had been nuked...I replied NO.He surprised me by commenting that it was a great pity it had NOT been nuked,since the only way to modernize it is to start over.We have since completely updated the eyesore,but not before employing a demonic demolition dude to level the ugliest and most antiquated eyesore of a kitchen in the entire country.


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